Medicine Man and other good jokes

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  • fishofisho Forum Addict
    edited July 2015
    As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport , President Obama strides out to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
    They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London , where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace , waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
    Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire . The smell is so atrocious that both passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
    The Queen politely turns to President Obama and says:"Mr. President, please accept my deepest regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.
    "Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," responded:

    "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
  • IndigoIndigo Supporting Member
    edited July 2015
    USS Nimitz is sailing along and the lookout spots a light ahead in path of ship they radio out saying "Vessel bearing ,,, this is USD Nimitz with task force alter course" reply comes in "USS NImitz I suggest you alter course"
    With this the captain of the Nimitz gets on and starts this is USS Nani it's the largest most powerful aircraft carrier in the world vessel bearing ,,, alter course to allow us to pass" rep,y comes in USS Nimitz this is Ligthouse !!!!!!!!!! Your call
  • fishofisho Forum Addict
    edited July 2015
    Night out in Mexico

    Three women went down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
    They got drunk and woke up in jail, only to find that
    they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can
    remember what they did the night before.

    The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is
    asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from
    Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to
    intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

    They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall
    to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

    The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
    "I just graduated from Indiana University School of Law, and I believe in
    the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

    They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all
    immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

    The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says,

    "Well,

    I'm from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in
    Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now,
    ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug that thing in."
  • fishofisho Forum Addict
    edited July 2015
    The Organist
    A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
    Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
    The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
    So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
    The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
    The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,
    "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday".
  • AutodasAutodas Senior Member
    edited July 2015
    How the hell does a ShuRoo work?
    It sends out a sonic noise we can't hear to scare the kangaroos away.
    What sort of a noise is it?
    Shoo roo, shoo roo, shoo roo, shoo roo
  • fishofisho Forum Addict
    edited July 2015
    *like these non invasive tests
    An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
    When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
    The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
    I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,'99'.
    The old guy obeys and says,"99".
    The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,'99".
    Again, the old guy says,'99'.
    "The doctor said, Very good
    Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and
    with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say,'99'.
    The old guy begins,
    "One...
    two
    three
  • fishofisho Forum Addict
    edited July 2015
    The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness.
    After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep.
    Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
    The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
    "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
    The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a
    quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
    What does it tell you, Tonto?"
    "You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent."
  • fishofisho Forum Addict
    edited July 2015
    t could have been worse!
    Frank always looked on the bright side.
    He would constantly irritate hisfriends with his eternal optimism.
    No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply,"It could have been worse."
    To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situationso completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
    On the golf course one day, one of them said,
    "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man,shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
    "That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."
    "How in the hell," asked his angry friend, "Could it have been worse?"
    "Well," replied Frank, "If it had happened the night before, I`d be dead now!"
  • fishofisho Forum Addict
    edited July 2015
  • fishofisho Forum Addict
    edited July 2015
    A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble
    with one of her more precocious students.

    The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'

    Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

    Ms.Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
    explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he
    was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

    Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

    Harry: '9..'

    Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

    Harry: '36.'

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

    The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,

    'You know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

    But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..'

    The principal and Harry both agree.

    Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

    Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'

    Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

    The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

    Harry replied: 'Pockets.. to the Principals great relief…..

    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

    Harry: 'Pants.'

    By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..

    Ms.. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes
  • ScotRokScotRok Supporting Member
    edited July 2015
    [MENTION=4411]fisho[/MENTION], did you have a previous life as a Glasgow taxi driver? These jokes remind me of one I used to know!
  • fishofisho Forum Addict
    edited July 2015
    Could be [MENTION=3959]ScotRok[/MENTION]. Could be;)
  • fishofisho Forum Addict
    edited July 2015
    PRICELESS! -- WHAT A MAN
    Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company'sChristmas Party.
    Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home fromthe party.
    As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
    Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.and, next to them, a single red rose!
    Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
    He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
    He takes the aspirins, cringes*when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the*bathroom mirror.Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written inred with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:*
    "Honey, breakfast is on the stove; I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight." I love you, darling!" Love, Jillian"
    He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
    His 16 year old*son is also at the table, eating.Jack asks,
    "Son... What happened last night?"
    "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
    Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
    His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed....."Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
    Broken Coffee Table $239.99
    Hot Breakfast $4.20
    Two Aspirins 50c
    Saying the right thing, at the right time. .PRICELESS
  • fishofisho Forum Addict
    edited July 2015
    In the beginning God created day and night.
    He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQ's. He created night for going prawning, sleepingand BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

    On theSecond Day, God created water - for surfing, - swimming and BBQ's on the beach , and God saw that it was good.

    On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - - to provide malt*and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

    On the Fourth Day God created animals*and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

    On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

    On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

    On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... ..*

    Well. . Almost good.

    He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.*

    So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.*
    It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

    IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!
  • Tornado_ALIVETornado_ALIVE Forum Addict
    edited July 2015
    I definitely will not be sharing that joke with my wife :D
  • ScotRokScotRok Supporting Member
    edited July 2015
    [MENTION=4411]fisho[/MENTION], I'm going to stick it on my Facebook page. And see what happens!:angel:
  • SteevoSteevo Super Moderator
    edited July 2015
    The teacher asked the class, who can use the word contagious in a sentence?

    Little Jenny says, I had the measles once and had to stay home because it's contagious.

    Little Johnny says, the bloke across the road had 2 tonne of gravel delivered on his driveway. Dad reckoned it was gonna take the contagious to get it around the back.

    :P
  • fishofisho Forum Addict
    edited July 2015
    Glad you enjoyed it folks
  • ScotRokScotRok Supporting Member
    edited July 2015
    fisho wrote: »
    Glad you enjoyed it folks

    Nearly attached it to an email! :(
  • ICEWOLFICEWOLF Forum Addict
    edited July 2015
    Steevo wrote: »
    The teacher asked the class, who can use the word contagious in a sentence?

    Little Jenny says, I had the measles once and had to stay home because it's contagious.

    Little Johnny says, the bloke across the road had 2 tonne of gravel delivered on his driveway. Dad reckoned it was gonna take the contagious to get it around the back.

    :P

    Bwahaha that's the best use of that four letter word ever[emoji6] Good to see Little Johnny hasn't grown up yet[emoji13]


    8spd Flappy Paddle[emoji457]
  • fishofisho Forum Addict
    edited July 2015
    A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
    "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfermumbles to himself.
    Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to giveup one-fourth of your sex life?"
    Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.
    Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."*
    The same stranger is at his side again and whispers,"Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sexlife?"
    Shrugging, the golfer replies,"Okay." And he makes an eagle.*
    On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says,"Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest ofyour sex life?"
    "Definitely," the golferreplies, and he makes the eagle.
    As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says,"I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, & from this day forward you will have no sex life."
    "Nice to meet you," the golfer replies,

    "I'm Father O'Malley."
  • Tornado_ALIVETornado_ALIVE Forum Addict
    edited July 2015
    My mate's wife was playing golf the other day and got hit by a ball between the 1st and 2nd hole. She went to the doctors and they told her it does not leave a lot of room for a band-aid!
  • fishofisho Forum Addict
    edited July 2015
    An asylum patient was watching a guy through the security fence, who was shovelling cow manure into his trailer.
    The patient asked what was he going to do with the manure.*
    The man replied that he was going to put it on his strawberries.
    The patient told the man he was crazy and would be better off inside the asylum with him because they had ice cream on their strawberries
  • fishofisho Forum Addict
    edited July 2015
    Andrew the cattle drover from a huge cattle station in the Australian outback appeared before St Peter at the Pearly Gates.
    Have you ever done anything of particular merit? St. Peter asked.
    Well, I can think of one thing, the drover offered. Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
    So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
    I yelled, Now back off!!! Or Ill kick the shit out of the lot of ya!
    St. Peter was impressed,
    When did this happen?

    A couple of minutes ago.
  • snapsimosnapsimo Supporting Member
    edited July 2015
    [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]


    ACV Eastside Massive!!!

    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
  • fishofisho Forum Addict
    edited August 2015
    Zebra Dies!!
    A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates...
    As he enters , he asks St. Peter , ' I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth . Am I white with black stripes , or am I black with white stripes ?
    'St. Peter said , ' That's a question only God can answer .'
    So the zebra went off in search of God ..
    When he found Him , the zebra asked , ' God , please - I must know Am I white with black stripes , or am I black with white stripes ?
    'God simply replied ' You are what you are .'
    The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more , who asked him , ' Well , did God straighten out your query for you ?
    'The zebra looked puzzled.. ' No sir , God simply said ' You are what you are .''
    St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra , ' Well then , there you are , You are white with black stripes..
    'The zebra asked St. Peter , ' How do you know that for certain ?''
    Because ,' said St. Peter , ' If you were black with white stripes , God would have said , ' You is what you is..'
    WARNING : If you laugh at this , Al Sharpton , Jesse Jackson , Rev Wright and Obama will be comin after yo white ass !!!
  • fishofisho Forum Addict
    edited August 2015
    Cop's obviously married n "aware"**lol

    A police officer called the station on his radio.*
    "I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
    *"Have you arrested the woman?"

    *"Not yet. The floor's is still wet.”
  • ozcaddyozcaddy Supporting Member
    edited August 2015
    Hey [MENTION=4411]fisho[/MENTION] stop recycling my jokes , see post 135
    Oz
    Why did the bloke with the Sand Beige Highline Amarok cross the road ?
  • Tornado_ALIVETornado_ALIVE Forum Addict
    edited August 2015
    Serpantine belt?
  • Lance BLance B Supporting Member
    edited August 2015
    One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?"

    "We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.

    "Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.

    "But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man.

    "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.

    The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!"

    "Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.

    They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

    The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."
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