Medicine Man and other good jokes

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  • StumpyblueStumpyblue Senior Member
    edited November 2014
  • SamboSambo Forum Addict
    edited December 2014
    When I was young I decided to go to medical school. At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters

    PNEIS

    and the form the name of an important body part which is most useful when erect.





    Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, whilst I am not.


    MY11 Candy White Highline, Manual, 130,000klm, Melb East Suburbs, ACV Member.
  • ozcaddyozcaddy Supporting Member
    edited December 2014
    I do love the Irish!





    The telephone company needed to hire four more telephone pole installers and the choice came down to two from Poland and two Irishmen.
    So the boss met both teams and said "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most poles gets the job."
    Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, when the two Polish guys reported back, the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said it was tough going but they'd put in 12.
    Forty-five minutes later, Paddy and Mick came back in, totally exhausted.
    "Well, how many poles did you guys install?" said the boss
    Mick wiped his brow and sighed, "Paddy and me, we got three in. "
    The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Polish blokes put in 12!"
    "Yeah," said Mick, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground. "
  • ozcaddyozcaddy Supporting Member
    edited December 2014
    In church, a private prayer

    In church last Sunday, George heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to him, saying a prayer. It was so innocent and sincere that George just had to share it with us:

    Dear Lord: The past year has been very tough for me. You have taken ...
    My favourite actor - James Garner;
    My favourite actress - Lauren Bacall;...
    My favourite comedian - Robin Williams;
    And finally, my favourite author -Tom Clancy.

    I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are -
    Bill Shorten, Christine Milne, Sarah Hanson-Young and Clive Palmer, also Jackie Lambie.

    Amen!
  • snapsimosnapsimo Supporting Member
    edited December 2014
    Lol


    ACV Eastside Massive!!!

    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
  • fishofisho Forum Addict
    edited December 2014
    A foursome of golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and wore short-shorts.
    Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.
    Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.
    Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
    Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before
  • fishofisho Forum Addict
    edited December 2014
    I was on the operating table awaiting surgery and i insisted that my son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
    As I was about to get the anesthesia, i asked to speak to my son."Yes, Dad, what is it?"
    "Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife....."
  • fishofisho Forum Addict
    edited December 2014
    An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End.On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land,through the air, under the sea.
    The Americans were incredulous.
    Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in themiddle of the road, an Aborigine.. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.
    "Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"
    The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Baliant Ute. It's a red one..The left pront tyre is bald. The pront end is out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel.. There are 9 black fellas in the back, alldrinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."
    The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.
    "God man, how do you know all that?," asked one.
    The Aborigine replied.........I fell out of the pucken thing about half an hour ago!".
  • fishofisho Forum Addict
    edited December 2014
    A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door* of a sex shop.*
    Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the*store to the counter.*

    Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering*she asks the sales clerk,
    "Dooo youuuu have dilllldosss?"

    The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.
    "The old woman then asks: "Doooo youuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,*tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand*rrunns by bbaatteries ?"
    The clerk responds, "Yes we do.."

    "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn iittt offfff?"
  • fishofisho Forum Addict
    edited December 2014
    PEOPLE & THEIR DRINKS
    A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer’spersonality on what drinks they ordered? Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.The results:
    IF WOMEN DRINK THESE DRINKS IN A PUB ... (NOT AT HOME)

    BEER
    Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
    Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
    COCKTAILS OR BLENDER DRINKS WITH UMBRELLA
    Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
    Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
    MIXED DRINKS - NO UMBRELLAS E.G.; GIN AND TONIC / SCOTCH AND SODA
    Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
    Approach: If she wants you, she’ll send YOU a drink.
    WATER
    Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
    Approach: Don’t.
    WINE - (BOTTLED, NOT 4 LITRE CASK)
    Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
    Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
    BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, MUDSHAKE ETC.
    Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
    Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you’re in.
    SPIRITS SUCH AS CC, WILD TURKEY, SOUTHERN COMFORT
    Personality: Watch out, they are unique! A real mixture of personalities. Love to be laid!
    Approach: Talk dirty to them whilst challenging them intellectually – you’re in!
    CAPE VELVET
    Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
    Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.
    SHOTS AND SLAMMERS (TEQUILA, VODKA, COWBOYS, AFTERSHOCK ETC.)
    Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk.
    Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait.......
    SPIRITS SUCH AS JACKS, BEAM & BUNDY
    Personality: Enjoys male company more than females, loves to party hard
    Approach: Keep buying them drinks, they’ll think you’re a nice bloke and they are probably trying to workout how to get you to bed!

    IF MEN DRINK in a PUB.. (As always, very simple and clear cut.)
    CIDER
    He’s probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
    CHEAP DOMESTIC BEER
    He’s poor / student and wants to get laid.
    CASTLE LAGER BEER
    He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
    IMPORTED BEER
    He’s old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
    GUINNESS
    The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
    WATER
    He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid
    WINE
    He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.
    VODKA OR BRANDY
    Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
    PORT
    Thinks he’s sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
    WHISKY/JACK DANIELS
    He doesn’t give two shits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.
    JIM BEAM
    Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
    RUM OR TEQUILA
    Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
    BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, ETC
    He’s gay (blatantly) - don’t turn your back or pick up any dropped change.
  • WinchyWinchy Forum Addict
    edited January 2015
    The Lake

    *

    *

    Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
    It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
    On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
    So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ....and
    nearly drowned!
    Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
    Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother .
    "Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"
    Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said,
    "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ye fekin idiot !

    *
  • SamboSambo Forum Addict
    edited January 2015
    The telephone company needed to hire two more telephone pole installers and the choice came down to two from Poland and two Irishmen.

    So the boss met both teams and said "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most poles gets the job." Both teams headed right out.

    At end of the shift, when the two Polish guys reported back, the boss asked them how many they had installed.They said it was tough going but they'd put in 12.

    Forty-five minutes later, Paddy and Mick came back in, totally exhausted.

    "Well, how many poles did you guys install?" said the boss.

    Mick wiped his brow and sighed, "Paddy and me, we got three in."

    The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Polish blokes put in 12!" "Yeah," said Mick, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground."


    2011 Candy White Highline. 130,000klms. VIC Eastern Suburbs. ACV Member.
  • dalmacija91dalmacija91 Forum Slave
    edited January 2015
    Hahahaha I love it!!!
  • davedave Supporting Member
    edited January 2015
    Sambo wrote: »
    The telephone company needed to hire two more telephone pole installers and the choice came down to two from Poland and two Irishmen.

    So the boss met both teams and said "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most poles gets the job." Both teams headed right out.

    At end of the shift, when the two Polish guys reported back, the boss asked them how many they had installed.They said it was tough going but they'd put in 12.

    Forty-five minutes later, Paddy and Mick came back in, totally exhausted.

    "Well, how many poles did you guys install?" said the boss.

    Mick wiped his brow and sighed, "Paddy and me, we got three in."

    The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Polish blokes put in 12!" "Yeah," said Mick, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground."


    2011 Candy White Highline. 130,000klms. VIC Eastern Suburbs. ACV Member.

    Read #94 hehehe It's tuff being a comedian. :D
  • ScotRokScotRok Supporting Member
    edited January 2015
    dave wrote: »
    Read #94 hehehe It's tuff being a comedian. :D
    A bit of 'Dave Ja Vue!'
  • davedave Supporting Member
    edited January 2015
    ScotRok wrote: »
    A bit of 'Dave Ja Vue!'

    I saw that coming. haha
  • SamboSambo Forum Addict
    edited January 2015
    Oops did not see that one #94. Oh well, funny enough to have twice I guess... [emoji4]


    2011 Candy White Highline. 130,000klms. VIC Eastern Suburbs. ACV Member.
  • davedave Supporting Member
    edited January 2015
    Sambo wrote: »
    Oops did not see that one #94. Oh well, funny enough to have twice I guess... [emoji4]


    2011 Candy White Highline. 130,000klms. VIC Eastern Suburbs. ACV Member.

    Mate, I did exactly the same thing earlier in the piece on this thread. :D
  • ozcaddyozcaddy Supporting Member
    edited January 2015
    Some Random thoughts

    Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!


    Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!


    I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!


    I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!


    Old age is coming at a really bad time!


    When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!


    The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."


    Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!


    I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.


    My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.


    Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.


    If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.


    The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".


    I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.


    When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?


    I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!


    Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!


    Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?


    Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.


    Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?


    At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.


    Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad !!!
    __________________
  • ozcaddyozcaddy Supporting Member
    edited February 2015
    The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

    And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.

    How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

    And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

    'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

    And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out

    and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

    She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

    So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight

    The poor thing devoured them in moments.

    Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

    Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

    I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

    I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive
    boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

    The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me
    with tears in her eyes and said,

    'Please ..... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
  • WinchyWinchy Forum Addict
    edited March 2015
    Tony Abbott has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim welfare benefits.


    From next Monday all Centrelink forms will be printed in English.[emoji15]
  • ozcaddyozcaddy Supporting Member
    edited March 2015
    A vacationer stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Madrid.

    While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

    Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

    He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

    The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The Australian said, 'I will have the same please.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

    The following day he returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

    The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Se
  • ozcaddyozcaddy Supporting Member
    edited March 2015
    Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have ...died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However,during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck".
  • fishofisho Forum Addict
    edited March 2015
    Oh dear:-/
    Sorry [MENTION=1381]ozcaddy[/MENTION] - that's gotta be the worst dad joke yet.
  • StumpyblueStumpyblue Senior Member
    edited March 2015
    The best description for the philosophy of life I have read.

    Life is like a penis, simple, relaxed and hanging free.
    It's women who make it hard!
  • WMSWMS Senior Member
    edited March 2015
    Haha that's great [MENTION=4104]Stumpyblue[/MENTION]


    Cheers

    Jake
  • SteevoSteevo Super Moderator
    edited March 2015
    A wife asked her husband, "When I die, will you quit playing golf?"

    The husband replies, "It will take a while to get over it, but eventually I'll probably play again."

    She asks again, "If you remarry, will you marry another woman who plays golf?"

    He replies, "Yes, I probably will."

    Again she asks, "Will you give her my clubs?"

    The husband replies, "No, she's left-handed."

    :D
  • HadesHades Supporting Member
    edited March 2015
    ozcaddy wrote: »
    Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad !!!

    Along the same lines...

    Beer is made from hops... Hops are plants (healthy)... beer = salad.
  • ozcaddyozcaddy Supporting Member
    edited March 2015
    Sex After Death... (Adult)

    A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
    the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was
    no after life at all.

    After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his
    word, he made the first contact: "Marion, Marion."

    "Is that you, Bob?"

    "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

    "That's wonderful! What's it like?"

    "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's
    off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then
    have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots
    of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex
    the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
    Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and
    then the next day it starts all over again".

    "Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

    " No... I'm a rabbit somewhere in Queensland. "
  • ozcaddyozcaddy Supporting Member
    edited April 2015
    5 FACTS

    A wise person once said:

    1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

    2.Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

    3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

    4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

    AND ???

    5. I haven't verified this on Google , but it sounds legitimate ? A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
    __________________
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