Medicine Man and other good jokes

ozcaddyozcaddy Supporting Member
edited March 12 in Off-Topic
A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.

Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a
white powder into a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year.
All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man then asks, "What happens when it's over and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "When your partner can take no more sex and is
completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234' and it will then go down.
But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers.

That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.
He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has
the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks:

"What did you say '123' for?"


  • Geoff7Geoff7 Senior Member
    edited November 2012
    A chap asked a girl in a library, “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

    The girl answered with a loud voice, “I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!”

    All the people in the library started staring at the guy and he was highly embarrassed.

    After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the chap’s table and she told him,
    “I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I expect you felt embarrassed, right?”

    The guy responded with a loud voice, "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S WAY TOO MUCH!!!”

    And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock, and he whispered in her ear,

    “I study law, and I know how to make someone look guilty."

    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
  • MozzMozz Member
    edited November 2012
    A girl walks up to the bar to order a drink and a bloke says to her
    "Bloody hell I'd give you one"
    "Piss off you loser" she replies "I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on earth!"
    "Ay settle down. I was giving you marks out of ten you fat b!tch"
  • ozcaddyozcaddy Supporting Member
    edited November 2012
    Getting a hairdryer through customs.....

    A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside
    her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?

    ‘‘Of course, child. What may I do for you?

    ' 'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's
    birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid
    they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs
    for me? Under your robes perhaps?

    ‘‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.

    ‘‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

    When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official
    asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?

    ‘‘From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.

    ' The official thought this answer is strange, so asked, 'And what do you
    have to declare from your waist to the floor?

    ' 'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
    is, to date, unused.

    ‘Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
  • MozzMozz Member
    edited November 2012
    The missus got home the other night to find me in the ensuite using her hairdryer on my shaft.
    "What the hell do you think you're doing?" she yelled
    "Just heating up your dinner!"
  • nicknznicknz Supporting Member
    edited November 2012
    Woman goes to the docs with bruises on her face. Doc asks what happened? She sez "Every time my husband comes home drunk, he hits me" Doc sez When he cums home drunk, take a glass of water & swish it around ur mouth, dont swallow it until he's asleep.2 wkslater she goes back 2the doc. She sez "lts brilliant, but how does the water work? He never touches me now" Doc sez "the water does f__k all, Its keepin ur mouth shut that does the trick
  • MozzMozz Member
    edited November 2012
    A lady was looking at her boobs in the mirror after hopping out of the shower one night. She sighs and says to her husband "do you think I should get a boob job?" he says "why don't you just rub toilet paper on them?" willing and desperate she says "I've never heard of that but I'll give it a try!" Weeks pass with no improvement and the lady is now really miserable and upset at the size of her little tits. She confronts her husband and says "Are you sure rubbing toilet paper on my boobs will make them bigger 'cause I can't notice any difference?"
    "Well I thought it would. It sure worked on you arse"
  • DomoDomo Junior Member
    edited November 2012
    A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

    'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'

    Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

    The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

    He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

    The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blond jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

    Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

    'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

    'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

    Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

    'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'
  • Geoff7Geoff7 Senior Member
    edited November 2012
    If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome
    Sex between 2 people is called a twosome…
    I now know why they call you Handsome :)

    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
  • ozcaddyozcaddy Supporting Member
    edited November 2012
    Fifty Sheds of Grey

    The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.

    Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...

    Fifty Sheds Of Grey

    We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a
    but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

    She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
    "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
    So I took her to McDonalds.

    She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
    harder until finally it came.
    I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

    Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
    She still manages to get into the shed, though.

    "Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
    "Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
    "Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

    "I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
    So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

    "Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
    "Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

    I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
    Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

    "Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
    "I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the

    "Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
    "Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."

    "Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
    She nodded.
    "Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

    "Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
    "Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

    "Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently
    massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD
  • Obi'swagonObi'swagon Supporting Member
    edited November 2012
    A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

    'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

    The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

    'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..

    The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

    'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'

    WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

    She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

    'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f**king Coco Pops.'
  • SamboSambo Forum Addict
    edited November 2012
    Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

    Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
    ears and I think both his legs are broken.'
    Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

    Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .'
    Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
    Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
    Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

    More heavy breathing and another minute later.

    Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
    This goes on for another few minutes until....
    Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

    Paddy: Out of breath says Yes, sorry bout dat.... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
    dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'
  • Walrus48Walrus48 Supporting Member
    edited November 2012
    Q. What do you call a sheep tied up by the side of the road in NZ?

    A. A leisure centre!!!!
  • nicknznicknz Supporting Member
    edited November 2012
    Q: How many Australian men does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: None. It's a woman's job.
  • ozcaddyozcaddy Supporting Member
    edited December 2012
    To spice up her dead sex-life a wife buys a new pair of panties. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

    At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ...

    Enough so that her husband finally asks,

    "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

    "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

    "Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

    He never heard the gunshot.
  • ozcaddyozcaddy Supporting Member
    edited December 2012

    I changed my iPod name to Titanic, it's syncing now.

    I tried to catch some Fog, I mist.

    When chemists die, they barium.

    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

    A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

    How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

    This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity, I can't put it down.

    I did a theatrical performance about puns, It was a play on words.

    They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

    A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

    Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

    Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory, I hope there's no pop quiz.

    The Energizer bunny arrested and Charged with battery.

    I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

    How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

    Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

    When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

    What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

    I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

    Broken pencils are pointless.

    What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

    All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

    Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

    Velcro - what a rip off!

    Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

    Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

    Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

    I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
  • ozcaddyozcaddy Supporting Member
    edited December 2012
    Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time..
    She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

    I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

    She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 75 years old and you're going

    To start jumping out of airplanes?"

    I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to

    Me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a

    Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

    I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for

    Five jumps a week.

    Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.

    C U L8R
  • Jake BullitJake Bullit Member
    edited December 2012
    An Italian, a Frenchman and a Geordie (hails from Newcastle, an earthy city in the north west UK) are discussing lovemaking.

    The Italian Guy says, "Wen I finish makin aluv to my girlafriend, I go down and tickle the back of her knees. She floats six inches above da bed in ecstacy."

    The French guy says, "Zat is nothing; wen I finish with ze girl, I kissher all ze way down her body zen lick ze sole of ze feet. She floats twelve inches above da bed in ecstacy."

    The geordie says, "That's nowt mate; when I finish shaggin' wor lass, I get oota bed and wipe me knob on the curtains - she hits the fookin' roof."

  • davedave Supporting Member
    edited December 2012
    Bill woke up after the annual work Christmas party and was utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

    "Honey," he moaned to his wife,"what happened last night? Was it as bad as I think?"

    "Even worse," she replied. You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

    "Pfft, he's a complete idiot anyway" said Bill. "Lucky I didn't hit him."

    "You did," came the wife's reply. "And he fired you."

    "Well, screw him!" said Bill.

    "I did. You're back at work on Monday."
  • Lance BLance B Supporting Member
    edited September 2013
    John was working on a contruction site on the first floor of a building and he was walking along two planks when they split apart and he fell between both of them and on the way down they sliced both his ears off. He receieved a massive compensation payout and he decided to purchase a telecommunications company with the proceeds (as you do when you've got no ears!). However, not knowing how to run a telecommunications company, he decides to advertise for a manager and has a recruitment company narrow the candidates down to 3 so he can make the final decision.

    The first applicant is a well presented young man in his late 20's and has been in the industry for 5 years and from his resume seems to know the industry well. The interview goes very well and at the end of it, John asks the young man, "Is there anything that you notice that's different about me?", and the young man reluctantly replied, "Yes, I notice you don't have any ears". This upset John and he said, "I can't have anyone working for me that shows such a lack of tact. You don't get the job"

    The second applicant was a very well presented beautiful young woman who has been in the industry for 10 years and knows it backwards. After interviewing her, John thinks that her knowledge would be a great asset and her looks would help with getting new business so, at the end he asks, "Is there anything that you notice that's different about me?" and of course the young woman replies, "Yes, I notice you don't have any ears". Again, this upset John and he said, "I can't have anyone working for me that shows such a lack of tact. You don't get the job".

    The last applicant was a man in his 30's who has been in the industry for 15 years, is very well presented, knows everything about the industry and is very well liked in the industry. After a long interview, John thinks to himself that this is really the man for the job and very tentatively asks, "Is there anything that you notice that's different about me?" and the man replies, "Yes, I ntice that you wear contact lenses" and John replies, "Yes, I do! That's amazing, how on earth could you tell I wear contact lenses?" The young man replies, "Well, you've got to f%@king ears, so you can't wear glasses!" :D
  • Lance BLance B Supporting Member
    edited September 2013
    The scene: A classroom of 10 yearolds with a young female teacher.

    The young female teacher asks the class a maths question: "There are 3 crows sitting on a fence and a man shoots one, how many are left?"

    Little Johnny throws up his hand and the teacher, knowing little Johnny's past, reluctantly asks him the answer. Little Johnny replies: "None"

    The teacher asks: "None???" How did you get, none???"

    "Well," little Johnny says, "the man shoots one and the other two fly away at the sound of the gunshot"

    The teacher says, "No, two is the correct answer, but I really like the way you think!!"

    Then little Johnny says, "I've got one for you Miss. There are three women at a bus stop waiting for a bus and they each have an ice cream, one is licking hers, the other is biting hers and the last is seductively sucking it. Which is the married woman?"

    The teacher embarrassingly replies, "I guess she's the one sucking it"

    Little Johnny says, "No, the married woman is the one with the wedding ring on, but I really like the way you think!!" :D
  • ozcaddyozcaddy Supporting Member
    edited March 2014
    A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
    'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'

    He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
    'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
    Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

    The wife replied, 'The friggin funeral director would be my first guess.'
  • davedave Supporting Member
    edited March 2014
    Upon courting before getting married my parents came to an arrangement where my mother would have the final decision to handle all the small day to day goings-on that would crop up in their life together and my father would take care of all the major events with him having the ultimate decision on which direction they should take whether it be financial, investment, major purchases or the like.

    Sixty five years latter he recounts that no major event ever came to pass during their married life as apparently all issues were minor. haha
  • davedave Supporting Member
    edited April 2014
    85 year old Bob visited his doctor for his yearly checkup when the doc asked how things were going.

    "Things are great" says Bob "I'm getting married next week, and my bride is only 20 years old".

    The doc shows obvious concern for Bob's health and well-being, knowing how insatiable a young bride can be, so on the spur of the moment suggest Bob takes on a helper for the bedroom, to which Bob says he'll think about it as it sounds like a good idea.

    12 months pass and Bob is back at the doc's for his checkup and when asked how things are going Bob answers,

    "Things couldn't be better. You know what, my wife is pregnant."

    The doc smelling a rat, then subtlety inquires about the health of the helper and Bob replies,

    "Fit as a fiddle, and she's pregnant too." :D
  • SteevoSteevo Super Moderator
    edited April 2014
    Woman says to the doctor... Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm..!!

    Doctor says... Have been taking anything for it..?

    She says..

    Yeah, pepper.


    Sent from my iPhone 5S
  • Deadly_headmenDeadly_headmen Senior Member
    edited April 2014

    What confused looks like
  • ozcaddyozcaddy Supporting Member
    edited May 2014
    A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Nathan."
    All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
    My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece
    When it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."
    Her mother says.....
    "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
    You live in an 8 bedroom mansion
    You drive a $250,000 Ferrari,
    You get $2,000 a week allowance,
    You take 6 vacations a year and
    You want to throw all that away...
    Over 45 cents?"
  • JugglerJuggler Supporting Member
    edited May 2014
    What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other..........Ilene

    edited May 2014
  • DomoDomo Junior Member
    edited May 2014
    What do you call a Japanese girl with one leg shorter than the other..........Irene.

    Equally, if not more sorry...
    It's Thursday
  • ozcaddyozcaddy Supporting Member
    edited May 2014

    A Hi-lux driver pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled down the car windows to make sure his Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.

    She was stretched full-out on the back seat and he wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. he walked to the kerb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

    "Stay! Stay!"

    The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave him a strange look and said,

    "Why don't you just put the handbrake on'?"
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